The Relationship That Was Supposed to Feel Like Home
There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from being in a relationship that is slowly breaking you. It is not always dramatic. It does not always involve shouting or visible bruises. Sometimes it looks like walking on eggshells in your own home. Like editing everything you say before you say it. Like feeling more anxious around the person who is supposed to make you feel safe than you do around anyone else in your life.
It looks like constantly apologising for things that were not your fault. Like being made to feel that your emotions are too much, your needs are unreasonable, and your perception of reality cannot be trusted. Like losing pieces of yourself so gradually that by the time you notice, you can barely remember who you used to be.
Toxic relationships are one of the most significant and least discussed contributors to poor mental health. They affect how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, how we sleep, how we work, and how we move through the world. And in many Nigerian homes and communities, the conversation about them is still largely absent, buried under cultural expectations of loyalty, endurance, and keeping family matters private.
This blog post is for anyone who has ever wondered whether the relationship they are in is hurting them. It is for anyone who has felt confused, ashamed, or unsure whether what they are experiencing is real. And it is for anyone who is ready to understand what toxic relationships actually do to mental health, and what it looks like to begin healing.
What Is a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is any relationship in which the dynamic consistently causes harm to one or both people involved. This harm can be emotional, psychological, physical, or a combination of all three. Toxic relationships are not limited to romantic partnerships. They can exist between friends, family members, colleagues, and even between a person and their own community or social group.
It is important to understand that toxicity in a relationship is not always the result of intentional cruelty. Some people cause harm because of their own unaddressed trauma, insecurity, or mental health challenges. That context matters for understanding. But it does not change the impact on the person on the receiving end.
A relationship does not have to involve physical violence to be harmful. Emotional and psychological harm can be just as devastating, and often more difficult to recognise and name.
Some characteristics that are commonly present in toxic relationships include:
- A persistent pattern of disrespect, dismissal, or contempt
- Manipulation, including guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and emotional blackmail
- Control over the other person’s choices, movement, finances, or relationships
- Constant criticism that erodes self-confidence and self-worth
- Unpredictable mood swings that keep the other person in a state of anxiety
- Isolation from friends, family, and support systems
- Minimising or dismissing the other person’s feelings and experiences
- A cycle of conflict, remorse, reconciliation, and repeated harm
If several of these patterns are familiar to you, what you are experiencing is real. And it is worth taking seriously.
Recognising Toxic Behaviours
One of the reasons toxic relationships are so difficult to identify and leave is that the harmful behaviours are often subtle, gradual, and intermixed with genuinely good moments. Understanding the specific forms these behaviours take can help bring clarity to situations that have felt confusing for a long time.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation in which one person causes another to question their own memory, perception, and reality. It might sound like: “That never happened,” “You are too sensitive,” “You are imagining things,” or “You always overreact.” Over time, gaslighting can cause a person to distrust their own instincts and become dependent on the other person’s version of reality, which is precisely how control is maintained.
Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail involves using fear, obligation, or guilt to control someone’s behaviour. It can sound like: “If you really loved me, you would not do that,” “After everything I have done for you,” or “I will hurt myself if you leave.” These tactics make the other person feel responsible for managing the emotional state of their partner or loved one, at the expense of their own needs and wellbeing.
Constant Criticism and Contempt
There is a significant difference between constructive feedback and relentless criticism designed to diminish. In toxic relationships, one person is frequently made to feel that they are never enough, never doing things correctly, and that their flaws are fundamental and permanent. Contempt, which includes mockery, eye-rolling, and dismissive behaviour, is one of the most damaging dynamics in any relationship.
Isolation
Gradually cutting someone off from their friends and family is a common tactic in toxic relationships. It may begin subtly, with complaints about the other person’s loved ones, creating conflict between them, or insisting that time together is always prioritised. The result is that the person finds themselves increasingly alone, without the outside support that might help them see the situation clearly or feel safe enough to leave.
Unpredictability and Walking on Eggshells
When a person’s mood is so inconsistent that their partner or family member lives in a constant state of anxious alertness, trying to anticipate and prevent the next explosion, the psychological toll is enormous. This hypervigilance is exhausting and over time trains the nervous system to remain in a chronic state of stress.
Love Bombing and the Cycle of Abuse
Many toxic relationships follow a recognizable cycle: a period of intense affection, attention, and apparent perfection, followed by a gradual escalation of harmful behavior, a breaking point, and then remorse, apology, and a return to the loving phase. This cycle is one of the reasons people stay. The good times feel real and the hope that the person will return to who they were during those times is genuinely powerful.
How Toxic Relationships Affect Your Mental Health
The impact of toxic relationships on mental health is profound, pervasive, and often long-lasting. It extends far beyond the relationship itself and shapes how a person sees themselves and the world long after the relationship has ended.
Anxiety
Living in a toxic relationship keeps the nervous system in a near-constant state of alertness. When you never know what mood you will be met with, when you are always bracing for the next conflict, or when you are constantly monitoring your own behaviour to avoid triggering a reaction, your body and mind are operating under chronic stress. This is the foundation of anxiety. Many people who have left toxic relationships find that anxiety becomes one of their most significant ongoing challenges.
Depression
The helplessness, hopelessness, and erosion of joy that toxic relationships produce create ideal conditions for depression to develop. When a person is repeatedly told that they are not enough, when their needs go consistently unmet, when they lose the activities and people that used to bring them life, and when they feel trapped in a situation they cannot seem to escape, depression is a natural and common consequence.
Erosion of Self-Worth
Perhaps the most insidious long-term effect of toxic relationships is what they do to a person’s sense of their own value. When you have been told, directly or indirectly, over months or years that you are too much, not enough, difficult, ungrateful, or lucky that anyone tolerates you at all, those messages become part of how you see yourself. Rebuilding self-worth after a toxic relationship is not simply a matter of deciding to feel better. It is a process that requires time, support, and often professional help.
You are not too much. You were simply in a relationship that was not enough; not enough safety, not enough respect, not enough care for who you actually are.
Post-Traumatic Stress
In cases of severe emotional or physical abuse, the psychological impact can meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Intrusive memories, nightmares, hypervigilance, emotional numbness, and avoidance of reminders of the relationship are all possible symptoms. Relationship trauma is real trauma, and it deserves the same level of care and attention as any other form.
Difficulty Trusting in Future Relationships
One of the lasting effects of toxic relationships is how they shape a person’s ability to trust in subsequent connections. When trust has been repeatedly broken, when love has been used as a weapon, and when vulnerability has led to harm, the nervous system learns to protect itself. This can make it genuinely difficult to open up in healthier relationships, even when the person consciously wants to.
Physical Health Consequences
The mind and body are not separate systems. Chronic emotional stress from toxic relationships manifests physically in the form of sleep disruption, weakened immunity, persistent headaches, digestive problems, fatigue, and in some cases, more serious health conditions. The body keeps the score of what we go through emotionally.
Toxic Relationships in the Nigerian Context
In Nigeria, as in many cultures with strong communal values, there is significant social and family pressure to maintain relationships regardless of how harmful they may be. Marriage is often treated as a permanent institution to be preserved at almost any cost. Adults and children are expected to maintain relationships with family members who may be causing them serious harm. The concept of “washing your dirty linen in public” discourages honest conversations about what is actually happening behind closed doors.
These cultural dynamics do not make toxic relationships more acceptable. They make them more invisible, more enduring, and more damaging. When a person is told to pray harder, endure more, or simply be grateful for what they have, and when the alternative, speaking honestly and seeking support, feels like a betrayal of their family or community, the isolation compounds the harm.
It is possible to honour your culture and your values while also honouring your own mental health and safety. These are not opposing things. Seeking help is not weakness and it is not disloyalty. It is one of the most courageous and responsible things a person can do, both for themselves and for the people who depend on them.
Signs You May Be in a Toxic Relationship
If you are unsure whether your relationship falls into this category, here are some questions worth sitting with honestly:
- Do you feel worse about yourself after spending time with this person than you did before?
- Are you constantly anxious about their mood or reaction?
- Do you find yourself apologizing frequently, even when you are not sure what you did wrong?
- Have you stopped spending time with friends or family because of this relationship?
- Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells in their presence?
- Are your feelings and experiences regularly dismissed, minimized, or ridiculed?
- Do you feel trapped, hopeless, or like things will never change?
- Have you lost a sense of who you are outside of this relationship?
- Does the relationship feel like more pain than it does peace?
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. But if you found yourself nodding to several of them, that deserves attention. Not judgment. Attention and care.
What to Do If You Are in a Toxic Relationship
1. Acknowledge What Is Happening
The first and often hardest step is naming the experience honestly. Minimising, rationalising, or excusing toxic behaviour, especially when it comes from someone you love, is a natural human response. But clarity is the beginning of change. If something consistently causes you harm, that is worth acknowledging.
2. Reach Out to Someone You Trust
Toxic relationships thrive in isolation. Breaking the silence, even with just one trusted person, whether a close friend, sibling, or mentor, can begin to shift the dynamic. You do not have to have all the answers before you speak. You just have to be willing to start the conversation.
3. Establish Safety
If your physical safety is at risk, please prioritise that above all else. Reach out to trusted people in your life, document any incidents, and seek professional guidance on how to safely exit the situation. Your safety is not negotiable.
4. Set Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls. They are statements of what you will and will not accept, communicated clearly and held consistently. In some toxic relationships, setting firm boundaries can shift the dynamic. In others, it may reveal that the other person is unwilling to respect them, which is information you need to have.
5. Seek Professional Support
Navigating a toxic relationship, whether you choose to stay and work on it or leave, is emotionally complex and often requires more support than friends and family can provide. A therapist can help you process what you have been through, understand the patterns that may have made you vulnerable, rebuild your self-worth, and make decisions from a place of clarity rather than fear or confusion.
This is not a sign that something is fundamentally wrong with you. It is a sign that you are taking your mental health seriously, and that is something to be proud of.
Healing Is Possible
One of the cruelest things toxic relationships do is convince you that you are beyond repair. That you are too damaged, too sensitive, too flawed to be loved well. That healthy relationships are for other people, not for you.
None of that is true.
People heal from toxic relationships every day. They rediscover who they are. They learn to trust again slowly and carefully. They build lives and relationships that feel genuinely safe. They reconnect with the version of themselves that existed before the relationship began to take pieces of them away.
Healing is not linear. It takes time and it requires real support. But it is absolutely possible, and you deserve it.
The goal of healing is not to forget what happened. It is to reclaim yourself so completely that what happened no longer defines what is possible for you.
You Do Not Have to Navigate This Alone
At Nubi Wellness Center, we work with individuals who are processing the impact of toxic and harmful relationships. We understand that these experiences can shake a person’s sense of self at the deepest level. And we know that the journey back to yourself is one that is best taken with the right support alongside you.
Our mental health professionals provide a safe, confidential, and non-judgmental space for you to be honest about what you are experiencing, process the impact of what you have been through, and begin building the clarity and resilience you need to move forward.
Whether you are still in the relationship or have already left, whether things feel urgent or you are simply starting to ask questions, you are welcome here. We meet people exactly where they are.
Reach out to Nubi Wellness Center today:
Phone: 09070990088 / 07054109566
Available for appointments and enquiries
We’re here to support you, every step of the way. 💙
